Is it just me I often wonder???
I have been wading through some pretty deep dark stuff in my psyche, trying to make sense of “who I have become on this long journey through time and space” as one of my teachers used to say. With so much loss, grief, letting go, I hardly recognize myself, and I wonder what purpose this is all serving. It feels raw, vulnerable, and I often want to turn into my cocoon and hide. Feelings of shame, and strong self-judgment are often there. Why do I feel this way? What does it all mean?
The feeling of being hollowed out, chiselled and pummelled and emptied of all self-identity is not a comfortable one. I am often on edge, full of anxiety and panic, depression looms and my heart breaks with compassion for all the lonely people, who must be going through similar feelings and losses so much worse than the ones I am experiencing. At night when I wake and the loss is hard to bear, I practice Tonglen, the Tibetan meditation for taking in the pain of oneself or others, transmuting it in one’s heart, and sending it out as a healing balm on the suffering. It helps ease the pain.
At other times I am aware that this Rite of Passage I am going through is not for myself alone but hopefully can help me learn to turn towards the pain and the grief with deeper compassion and opening me to be able to serve others going through a similar journey. No one told me mid-life was going to create such upheaval in my psyche. No one told me that my life would turn upside down
and my heart would turn inside out. Are others going through a similar journey?
In the quiet moments, I sit and listen to the night sky; so silent apart from an occasional owl, or watch the sunrise in the early morning and hear the birds singing their song, signalling another blessed day here in this amazing, abundant, blessed life. The mind becomes quiet, the heart softens and deep gratitude is there, for every blessed experience that deepens me and opens me to the mystery.
I ask in this Grace filled silence to be of service, to help all those who may be lost in mistaken ego identification that causes so much suffering and sense of separation. I long to fly free of the world of form, to spread my wild wings of freedom and passion for the truth, and to allow this Soul to express its true Nature, unfettered by past or future. In moments like this dancing to the tune of my own drum, I know who I am, I know why I came, I know what is truly important, and what needs to be held close and what needs to be left behind.
Silence, simplicity, presence, love, caring and sharing are what matters most. All the rest is just commentary, something we make up to keep us busy and preoccupied. What a dance this is, the struggle between personality structure and Soul. What a journey to bring the soul through this human form. In lighter brighter moments I bless this amazing experience that is metam or phosizing me into something else… the death of who I have been is birthing the one that is coming to be, humbled and human, whole and holy…transformed.